I AM SMRITI RAI

I got inspired to write after a long time... I was walking back home from the gym. It was foggy and not that cold. I like this kind of weather in winter. The street lights seemed cozy! I felt so happy. I am actually really happy these days and I thought I would share it authentically this time because there were times I would hold back in sharing how happy I was! As I mature, I am really understanding that I cannot delay my happiness. I don't have to save my happiness for some hypothetical future that does not exist. So, I just felt happy not because of anyone or anything. I felt happy just because! After my 'dark days' in Eastbourne, I came back home. If I look back at it there were many good things but emotion-wise I was feeling all sorts of things, most of all, I felt so alone... So even though I was there only for two months I felt like I was there for quite some time! I always compared my situations with others and felt obligated not to feel sad because there are so ...

When I look back at things, I am in awe at how intricately our experiences are designed. My friend from University suggested me videos by Nouman Ali Khan and in one of his videos, he says " you experience things for the benefit of others" I sat with this sentence, although, I didn't quite understand what it meant, I felt there was something meaningful in this sentence for me. And then, at work, one Korean student comes to me for help - frustrated, she's been crying for days and she wanted to move out from her current host family. She came with the long list of explanations, numbered, why she wanted to move out. It was my job not to promise her anything, but I could feel what she was feeling. During my first year at University, I hated my residence. I wanted to move out so bad and every day I went to the reception to ask for a change. They couldn't help me. Now, when I look back it, I was uncomfortable because of the new place, new culture and new people but a...

These days everything is easy to compare- houses, phones, travel destination and what not! With social media, it is easier for us to even compare our emotions: happiness, sadness! Why do we compare our pain? Someone else has it worse than me! so I should feel grateful! but really, the feelings that I feel are the feelings that I feel! I should allow myself to feel it, completely...no?

So many 'how-tos' but the directions are mapped in 'Why' shape I noticed a lady with a passion for buying something new, try on a few mistakes - loose or fit soon claim it to be hers with a label of guilt on, the new will wear off like old news, stick your guilt in every new soon the guilt becomes your old unwelcomed friend but I am not here to judge truthfully, I am missing that passion because I felt so empty that day - no emotions not even a worry That day I understood, worrying actually makes you feel alive, so next time when worry walks up to my door there will be a welcome mat on the floor we were on the top floor parking with no views in my town, we get the whole view of my town but I was here only for a few hours, so the guy was nice enough to hold the lift for us you will miss the nice gesture if you don't pay attention so buy that trust by paying attention currently, this is what I am missing currency to pay attention currency and ...

It started off with staff training, vegan pizza, and hay fever. "Summer - when the skin gets darker, hair gets lighter, beaches, sands and blah blah blah!" But my summer included buildings and rooftops, two trips to Christchurch, Candy floss sky, spontaneity and you on my front door Rooftop with an old friend This rooftop is different because the only sound you hear is of the space you stand in and the great view of sunsets were the ones from when I walked home all alone you still get that heart goosebumps, I brought that same goosebump to the Downs, last time we couldn't stand still but this evening it was different with pink sky caressing my thighs, prayer and a slight hunger. This time the sky belonged to the sea Your prayer belonged to the wind and the wind belonged to me I didn't know then, the days ahead of me I will get to fulfill my childhood dream on a road trip to countless music, turquoise river and mass...

I stopped at the traffic light, above all the dancing of dirt and dust my heart was singing Adele I wanted to wrap myself in my hometown glory so I wouldn't have to leave not this time We were warriors waiting for the whistle to go our mission as vain as the making of the road, but we knew how to swim through the dirt and rise like a dust and hurry our way to the same old same old Somehow we were always late, then we would stack our backseat with excuses and some stories of fate the day before, I fell from my scooter My aunt is fine Arise and shine, she says Bible sees her face every day I didn't think much about her life before The only Man in her life would take care of her I thought but when she was sick there were no bigger hands to give her a care Days get old and the stories get told she had pizza and I had dumplings that moment was the only youth that we would ever share,  her faith strong but her beliefs naive I didn't ...

Safely wrapped up by the hills, she lacked patience, calling every number she had, but the numbers always stuck in traffic. the only rule that ever applied... And I? I was grateful for the time spent alone safe cab rides back home, when the same hills showed up for me, I couldn't help but walk down the aisle of my heart, In the midst of the April to the shoulder of Blue mimosa, I was happy to be Here,   Here at Home. she was somewhere else, always. walking down the aisle of your mistakes. April had a different story for her but the hills have seen it all before all she was trying to do  was make a Church out of you And every time she tried,  she lost pieces of herself And I? I never want to lose myself again! All I can do is pray that she finds her Home not of someone else but of her own.