I AM SMRITI RAI

I don’t know much about what’s going on and what will happen ahead, what’s there to achieve or what's there to leave, where we are meant to go or where we are meant to stay and what we are supposed to be doing but I have cried in several airports (not enough) for now. I have laughed with my colleagues at the same joke for a month in Eastbourne as they served me a raisin cake (the only vegan option that was available). I have belly danced with Arabic ladies, who also showed me their beautiful wedding dresses. I have sat quietly in a random art studio in Bali where they were just painting and they didn't ask me what I was doing there or anything, which I loved. I met a Swiss girl in Bali and within a day we decided to go to Lombok together and had an adventurous time. These are some of the experiences that came to my mind just now. They are just that- experiences. Some are content with accumulating things and that’s great. I am happy with accumulating experiences. Either of them...

Your soy milk swirls around your cup and your Illam tea matches the colour of your skin. To form those magical milliseconds, your aunt had to send the golden parcel of unorthodox loose leaves all the way from the country's westernized shopping mall to where you now reluctantly reside. Why the reluctance? because I miss the rooftop... Kathmandu, I was sitting at the rooftop The stars were having their usual debate, I was eavesdropping their conversations, everything came easy in my life, even then, I am not taking a single ounce of my experience for granted, just like this Ilam tea in front of me, I  have always been blessed and fortunate, Kathmandu, a different story you were sitting on the overhead bridge not eavesdropping, marvelling at the stars shining within the city. When you etched your name in each garment that bought your friends a cup of tea, I hope your friends know the pride swirling around in their cup, keeping them warm for a f...

Lily checked in the bunk bed above me. It was before Christmas.   Every morning, driving in a lush green countryside to my work, back in England, I dreamt of being in a sunny Australia- Melbourne, to be specific. I have been here before and I loved it. So, there was a bit of certainty that I would love it amongst the waves of uncertainty my direction of life was heading towards.  “You must have really loved it to come back here, again.” - said John. John was to be my gym buddy during my last few days of stay in Melbourne. Yes, I really did love Melbourne, even though it was my first understanding of how the world is not carefully curated inside of your comfort zone and getting out of the comfort zone is not a pretty sight in any given situation. So many times, this city straight down punched me on my gut, slapped me right on my beliefs, and drowned me onto my fears. I walked drenched- soaked in thoughts of leaving the city- only to find a next laundrette, where I coul...

I wanted to impress you when you made a hurtful comment about the way I washed my sorrows and drained my insecurities... it wasn't clean enough for your newly dressed fears. Hurt always feels familiar. I always thought you were cool I wanted to be like you and liked by you. I didn't know you were lost. you were ruling out your fears so effortlessly, I wanted to walk on your footsteps! I guess I never forgave myself for abandoning my true self so I was bitter with you when you bought all the meals, even though I was always hungry the void was not on my stomach, it was on my sleeves. I never admitted it but I was full of fears that's why you hear me chanting all the names of gods I am petty, I am scared and I am not proud of it Neither do I want to hide it. They say "you can't fight a war by ignoring it" I was ignoring myself for so long armies of my anger always showed up but I didn't want to face the truth instead, I traveled 10,000 ...

April fools day and the only gift I ever received was ‘stay there’. Everybody wanted to go home.  I didn't imagine life to be this way - none of it. By now I thought I would have figured it all out.  I am drinking tea here and the cardamom on my tea leaves a trademark on the conversation we had; it reminded you of your mother.  I was happy that I could remind you of home because I was lost on the 24th floor, in between the laws and the temporary visa, you always made me laugh. I lost my earrings too. I am sorry for the way I left, nobody taught me how to leave before… My focus was that my dad was not around.  All the while my mum made dinner for the whole village and my appetite didn't acknowledge her.  Every time I embark on a journey to find myself, I feel her warmth and unconditional love. I am thankful, always.  Thank God, it's not too late. 

Heart-ache is not hollow Heart-ache feels like a drop tower The freefall usually lasts 8 seconds but the thrill is never over It does make you feel alive I promise I won't do it again I find myself on the other side of the world Pockets are empty Mind is full Overflowing with doubts Nothing mindful in between  Binge-watching Lovesick And my eyes are itchy Yesterday we were dancing  To our own music The taste of my past felt sickening Still, the dance was freeing Lonely and hollow Sour buttercream on the table Mix it up with confusion  No direct response The message is not clear How am I here? Were this all meant to be? God left me on read and I am waiting for an answer.