I AM SMRITI RAI

I wanted to impress you when you made a hurtful comment about the way I washed my sorrows and drained my insecurities... it wasn't clean enough for your newly dressed fears. Hurt always feels familiar. I always thought you were cool I wanted to be like you and liked by you. I didn't know you were lost. you were ruling out your fears so effortlessly, I wanted to walk on your footsteps! I guess I never forgave myself for abandoning my true self so I was bitter with you when you bought all the meals, even though I was always hungry the void was not on my stomach, it was on my sleeves. I never admitted it but I was full of fears that's why you hear me chanting all the names of gods I am petty, I am scared and I am not proud of it Neither do I want to hide it. They say "you can't fight a war by ignoring it" I was ignoring myself for so long armies of my anger always showed up but I didn't want to face the truth instead, I traveled 10,000 ...

April fools day and the only gift I ever received was ‘stay there’. Everybody wanted to go home.  I didn't imagine life to be this way - none of it. By now I thought I would have figured it all out.  I am drinking tea here and the cardamom on my tea leaves a trademark on the conversation we had; it reminded you of your mother.  I was happy that I could remind you of home because I was lost on the 24th floor, in between the laws and the temporary visa, you always made me laugh. I lost my earrings too. I am sorry for the way I left, nobody taught me how to leave before… My focus was that my dad was not around.  All the while my mum made dinner for the whole village and my appetite didn't acknowledge her.  Every time I embark on a journey to find myself, I feel her warmth and unconditional love. I am thankful, always.  Thank God, it's not too late. 

Heart-ache is not hollow Heart-ache feels like a drop tower The freefall usually lasts 8 seconds but the thrill is never over It does make you feel alive I promise I won't do it again I find myself on the other side of the world Pockets are empty Mind is full Overflowing with doubts Nothing mindful in between  Binge-watching Lovesick And my eyes are itchy Yesterday we were dancing  To our own music The taste of my past felt sickening Still, the dance was freeing Lonely and hollow Sour buttercream on the table Mix it up with confusion  No direct response The message is not clear How am I here? Were this all meant to be? God left me on read and I am waiting for an answer.

Traditional bread served with the salted truth Sprinkled a little humour in a hope to make it less painful My body could relate to, neither the salt nor the humour, I was running late for work. And I won't be going back to the same restaurant for a long time! India said she always had this feeling of ever-present melancholy Mine is not melancholy, Mine is an October tree in the middle of a small town Graciously letting go of the green leaves but misplaced… Rooted on the face of the earth Floating somehow... Change is difficult, change is different But Octobers are pretty in the UK With its mustard faded pointed leaves and a pink-brown shoulder, I guess change is pleasing to the eyes of an observer passing by, Change doesn't need sprinkling and it doesn't make you feel bad the next morning, It allows you to be silent with a voice of wisdom. It breathes if you allow it to, It is ever-e...

I got inspired to write after a long time... I was walking back home from the gym. It was foggy and not that cold. I like this kind of weather in winter. The street lights seemed cozy! I felt so happy. I am actually really happy these days and I thought I would share it authentically this time because there were times I would hold back in sharing how happy I was! As I mature, I am really understanding that I cannot delay my happiness. I don't have to save my happiness for some hypothetical future that does not exist. So, I just felt happy not because of anyone or anything. I felt happy just because! After my 'dark days' in Eastbourne, I came back home. If I look back at it there were many good things but emotion-wise I was feeling all sorts of things, most of all, I felt so alone... So even though I was there only for two months I felt like I was there for quite some time! I always compared my situations with others and felt obligated not to feel sad because there are so ...

When I look back at things, I am in awe at how intricately our experiences are designed. My friend from University suggested me videos by Nouman Ali Khan and in one of his videos, he says " you experience things for the benefit of others" I sat with this sentence, although, I didn't quite understand what it meant, I felt there was something meaningful in this sentence for me. And then, at work, one Korean student comes to me for help - frustrated, she's been crying for days and she wanted to move out from her current host family. She came with the long list of explanations, numbered, why she wanted to move out. It was my job not to promise her anything, but I could feel what she was feeling. During my first year at University, I hated my residence. I wanted to move out so bad and every day I went to the reception to ask for a change. They couldn't help me. Now, when I look back it, I was uncomfortable because of the new place, new culture and new people but a...

These days everything is easy to compare- houses, phones, travel destination and what not! With social media, it is easier for us to even compare our emotions: happiness, sadness! Why do we compare our pain? Someone else has it worse than me! so I should feel grateful! but really, the feelings that I feel are the feelings that I feel! I should allow myself to feel it, completely...no?