I AM SMRITI RAI

Summertime last year, I spent my day stitching my tan with my see-through optimism, before meeting you at Thaikhun that evening.  "what do you do for your self-care?" We took turns answering- your friends, I and our delayed dinner.  The next 3 months were a series of blurred boundaries, gallery visits, and southeastern service.  "In a grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter if you like me."  my see-through optimism begged for a new thread you could see I was sad, and my tan was fading. In parallel, this place I once considered my home, was quickly losing its meaning "have a couple of uplifting weeks" said my therapist when he signed out for his holiday, in the evening. the same evening, my best friend, and I were searching for meaning of our names, both of which meant memory. the same evening, you sent me a voice message...  "maybe we aren't right for each other" my heart sank into a dusty beige faux leather sofa, while my best friend r...

The first time you stepped your foot on my low bed I should have known, You would trample my naked white sheets and drive 122 miles back to your place hungover with sober pieces of my sheets. Of this brief brutal picture that was painted of us, somehow the colours were faint! I would look at myself in the mirror Sofian Shea Butter all over my body satin naked skin so I could glow in the dark Darkness was where I saw you where I loved you in your doubts and insecurities, That time when you hated yourself “fml! why am I like this?”- you said My heart bled because self-hate, my genesis framed familiarity. So, when you asked if you could stay because it was too late,  I let you step on my low bed in an attempt to rescue myself in an attempt to save myself.    You always turned off the lights before whispering in my ear, “Surprise me” Or “Have a little fun”- you would say, I knew fun are always finite I know you didnt want to hurt anyone That little fun had me in scars which a...

Your favourite thing to do is read books on Sunday,  lying on your low bed, your skin glimmers with a gorgeous morning it must feel lonely when you cannot relate to any of the characters in your book On Sundays, it just feels whole. You see a brief blue sky when you rest your book on your paperwhite pillow! Just a week before, you stood 1085m high underneath the same sky for the second time  This time, you got to see the view from the inside of the glass as a shy train passed by the glorious glass view This was new - summit  without your cousins,  stepping new terrain,  although it was not your steps you were very careful You left your friends to swim in this new terrain and even though you were careful, your feet hurt! That night when you lay on your bunkbed  it reminded you of your childhood You were 8 years old when you learned how to swim, you learned how to ride a bike and how to leave your friends... she was there when you were here for the first time...

You said you have no sympathy for the ones who danced with death and lost! Usually, there is no mourning for their loss, so tonight I want to hear about their deeds. I want to hear all about their hidden battle that they thought none of us could comprehend! Tonight, I am ready to stand in their shoes and practise this dance because a few years ago when your favourite rapper was on the stage where he performed for the last time, I could not dare enter this studio on my own! This studio is the only place where I always run to and none of my demons can enter when I lock its door but that night my hands were shaking and I left the door open letting the invisible in. I could picture his last dance and none of it made sense to the world... At the time, it didn't make sense to me either! No matter how painful the practise, no matter how regretful the dance, we always had to put our best foot forward...That's what I always thought because that's what my father taught me. My father,...

The love I know is drunk and it's September. The love I know is seasonal and summer is ending soon but I want it   to stay even if it's not sober. Winter will soon be on display beating me black with its Winter blues whilst I sink into Session 12, the helpless town blacks out and there is not a single sound not even a borrowed voice. I run to Autumn and its copper leaves, don't let the sober mornings  in. Several times, Winter tried to wrap me with its drunk ways and its blues but it never won, Autumn feels safe, it paints its own safe hues.   I cry, hoping the town will paint something warm But there is a mayor who is sober and so is the winter! I remember I have always been alone I hear someone else crying too Together but alone - this town made me who I am. This is where I ran my first race, All along the mayor was too busy to attend. Town and I, we made amends on our own. We wiped our tears - on our own I didn't have a voice and the town borrowed r...

Three of us running in a different direction: my mind, my body and my playlist. When I try to chain them together, it creates more friction. Hence, I leave them on their own - shuffle play and repeat. In the midst of running with one or the other, I squeeze myself out into awareness. I take a little peek at what seems to last only for a moment. People tell me I am a free spirit. In a world where everything is confined and compliant with regulations, being a free spirit (human) is heavy work. I let myself feel. I cry and when I laugh, I guffaw at times. There is growth in laughter and sadness, both. With this growth, I understand that no matter the regulations of the outside world, if my inner world is boundless within, I am free.  

 I don't know where she is looking or even if she is listening! This place is a maze more confusing are the people working here teal scrubs - inside out and with time on their heart time flies and heart is still patient listening to every beat of your thoughts I feel like a little girl with her pigtail and curious eyes everyone's telling me what to do I just  shrug and I am only here for the scrubs I, also, observe I observe this place, neatly I observe each fierce fabric woven to build this maze This elasticated maze has become my world for now and the rules are pretty easy sign in  and sign out. 

I don’t know much about what’s going on and what will happen ahead, what’s there to achieve or what's there to leave, where we are meant to go or where we are meant to stay and what we are supposed to be doing but I have cried in several airports (not enough) for now. I have laughed with my colleagues at the same joke for a month in Eastbourne as they served me a raisin cake (the only vegan option that was available). I have belly danced with Arabic ladies, who also showed me their beautiful wedding dresses. I have sat quietly in a random art studio in Bali where they were just painting and they didn't ask me what I was doing there or anything, which I loved. I met a Swiss girl in Bali and within a day we decided to go to Lombok together and had an adventurous time. These are some of the experiences that came to my mind just now. They are just that- experiences. Some are content with accumulating things and that’s great. I am happy with accumulating experiences. Either of them...

Your soy milk swirls around your cup and your Illam tea matches the colour of your skin. To form those magical milliseconds, your aunt had to send the golden parcel of unorthodox loose leaves all the way from the country's westernized shopping mall to where you now reluctantly reside. Why the reluctance? because I miss the rooftop... Kathmandu, I was sitting at the rooftop The stars were having their usual debate, I was eavesdropping their conversations, everything came easy in my life, even then, I am not taking a single ounce of my experience for granted, just like this Ilam tea in front of me, I  have always been blessed and fortunate, Kathmandu, a different story you were sitting on the overhead bridge not eavesdropping, marvelling at the stars shining within the city. When you etched your name in each garment that bought your friends a cup of tea, I hope your friends know the pride swirling around in their cup, keeping them warm for a f...

Lily checked in the bunk bed above me. It was before Christmas.   Every morning, driving in a lush green countryside to my work, back in England, I dreamt of being in a sunny Australia- Melbourne, to be specific. I have been here before and I loved it. So, there was a bit of certainty that I would love it amongst the waves of uncertainty my direction of life was heading towards.  “You must have really loved it to come back here, again.” - said John. John was to be my gym buddy during my last few days of stay in Melbourne. Yes, I really did love Melbourne, even though it was my first understanding of how the world is not carefully curated inside of your comfort zone and getting out of the comfort zone is not a pretty sight in any given situation. So many times, this city straight down punched me on my gut, slapped me right on my beliefs, and drowned me onto my fears. I walked drenched- soaked in thoughts of leaving the city- only to find a next laundrette, where I coul...

I wanted to impress you when you made a hurtful comment about the way I washed my sorrows and drained my insecurities... it wasn't clean enough for your newly dressed fears. Hurt always feels familiar. I always thought you were cool I wanted to be like you and liked by you. I didn't know you were lost. you were ruling out your fears so effortlessly, I wanted to walk on your footsteps! I guess I never forgave myself for abandoning my true self so I was bitter with you when you bought all the meals, even though I was always hungry the void was not on my stomach, it was on my sleeves. I never admitted it but I was full of fears that's why you hear me chanting all the names of gods I am petty, I am scared and I am not proud of it Neither do I want to hide it. They say "you can't fight a war by ignoring it" I was ignoring myself for so long armies of my anger always showed up but I didn't want to face the truth instead, I traveled 10,000 ...

April fools day and the only gift I ever received was ‘stay there’. Everybody wanted to go home.  I didn't imagine life to be this way - none of it. By now I thought I would have figured it all out.  I am drinking tea here and the cardamom on my tea leaves a trademark on the conversation we had; it reminded you of your mother.  I was happy that I could remind you of home because I was lost on the 24th floor, in between the laws and the temporary visa, you always made me laugh. I lost my earrings too. I am sorry for the way I left, nobody taught me how to leave before… My focus was that my dad was not around.  All the while my mum made dinner for the whole village and my appetite didn't acknowledge her.  Every time I embark on a journey to find myself, I feel her warmth and unconditional love. I am thankful, always.  Thank God, it's not too late. 

Heart-ache is not hollow Heart-ache feels like a drop tower The freefall usually lasts 8 seconds but the thrill is never over It does make you feel alive I promise I won't do it again I find myself on the other side of the world Pockets are empty Mind is full Overflowing with doubts Nothing mindful in between  Binge-watching Lovesick And my eyes are itchy Yesterday we were dancing  To our own music The taste of my past felt sickening Still, the dance was freeing Lonely and hollow Sour buttercream on the table Mix it up with confusion  No direct response The message is not clear How am I here? Were this all meant to be? God left me on read and I am waiting for an answer.

Traditional bread served with the salted truth Sprinkled a little humour in a hope to make it less painful My body could relate to, neither the salt nor the humour, I was running late for work. And I won't be going back to the same restaurant for a long time! India said she always had this feeling of ever-present melancholy Mine is not melancholy, Mine is an October tree in the middle of a small town Graciously letting go of the green leaves but misplaced… Rooted on the face of the earth Floating somehow... Change is difficult, change is different But Octobers are pretty in the UK With its mustard faded pointed leaves and a pink-brown shoulder, I guess change is pleasing to the eyes of an observer passing by, Change doesn't need sprinkling and it doesn't make you feel bad the next morning, It allows you to be silent with a voice of wisdom. It breathes if you allow it to, It is ever-e...