I AM SMRITI RAI

I wanted to impress you when you made a hurtful comment about the way I washed my sorrows and drained my insecurities... it wasn't clean enough for your newly dressed fears. Hurt always feels familiar. I always thought you were cool I wanted to be like you and liked by you. I didn't know you were lost. you were ruling out your fears so effortlessly, I wanted to walk on your footsteps! I guess I never forgave myself for abandoning my true self so I was bitter with you when you bought all the meals, even though I was always hungry the void was not on my stomach, it was on my sleeves. I never admitted it but I was full of fears that's why you hear me chanting all the names of gods I am petty, I am scared and I am not proud of it Neither do I want to hide it. They say "you can't fight a war by ignoring it" I was ignoring myself for so long armies of my anger always showed up but I didn't want to face the truth instead, I traveled 10,000

April fools day and the only gift I ever received was ‘stay there’. Everybody wanted to go home.  I didn't imagine life to be this way - none of it. By now I thought I would have figured it all out.  I am drinking tea here and the cardamom on my tea leaves a trademark on the conversation we had; it reminded you of your mother.  I was happy that I could remind you of home because I was lost on the 24th floor, in between the laws and the temporary visa, you always made me laugh. I lost my earrings too. I am sorry for the way I left, nobody taught me how to leave before… My focus was that my dad was not around.  All the while my mum made dinner for the whole village and my appetite didn't acknowledge her.  Every time I embark on a journey to find myself, I feel her warmth and unconditional love. I am thankful, always.  Thank God, it's not too late. 

Heart-ache is not hollow Heart-ache feels like a drop tower The freefall usually lasts 8 seconds but the thrill is never over It does make you feel alive I promise I won't do it again I find myself on the other side of the world Pockets are empty Mind is full Overflowing with doubts Nothing mindful in between  Binge-watching Lovesick And my eyes are itchy Yesterday we were dancing  To our own music The taste of my past felt sickening Still, the dance was freeing Lonely and hollow Sour buttercream on the table Mix it up with confusion  No direct response The message is not clear How am I here? Were this all meant to be? God left me on read and I am waiting for an answer.